


I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight

by PrettyBrownEyes



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sadness, apparently all i can write is depressing stuff with a lot of death, im sorry, mikey and jack are in it for .2 seconds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-05
Updated: 2015-03-05
Packaged: 2018-03-16 11:32:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3486653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrettyBrownEyes/pseuds/PrettyBrownEyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“They know that tragedy is not glamorous. They know it doesn't play out in life as it does on a stage or between the pages of a book. It is neither a punishment meted out nor a lesson conferred. Its horrors are not attributable to one single person. Tragedy is ugly and tangled, stupid and confusing.”<br/>― E. Lockhart, We Were Liars</p><p>Title from I Miss You by Blink-182<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight

**Author's Note:**

  * For [merlypops](https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/gifts).



> My sincere apologies to anyone who is traumatized by this story.

 

The tears drip down Calum’s face onto his lap. He grips the steering wheel tight enough that his knuckles have turned white. He knows he's speeding, but he can't be bothered to slow down.

It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does.

He wants to forget, he really does. Everything bad that's ever happened to him is now haunting him and won't go away. Everything that's ever made him want to cry and scream and murder somebody is all coming back to him in this moment. He’s trying to forget, he really, really is. He just -- He thinks that if he tries to forget all those bad things, all the things that made him want to cry and scream and murder someone all at once, then he’ll have to forget all the good things. All the things that make him want to laugh and cry and jump on his bed. All those little things about Luke.

Luke Hemmings. With his blonde hair and his beautiful blue eyes and beautiful everything. It’s not fair, not fair at all. Why did he have to die? Who decided that it would be okay to take Luke away from him?

He looks up at the picture of the two of them he has taped to his visor. He scrunches up his face and screams and yells and sobs and he just wants his Luke back. He’s thinking about being without him. Graduating without him, getting a job without him, loving someone that’s not Luke. He shudders at the thought.

He’s telling himself he’s _finefinefinefinefine_. He’s perfect. He’s perfectly okay. Okay, that’s a complete lie. He is so far from okay. Why couldn’t it have been him? Luke could have been so much even without him. In fact, Calum never understood what exactly he did to deserve Luke.

Luke could have been just fine without Calum. But Calum? He’s nothing without Luke.

 

_They’re sitting on Calum’s roof, looking up at the stars. It’s probably around one in the morning, and neither of them can sleep._

_“Hey, Cal?” Luke calls. Calum flips onto his stomach to look at Luke._

_“What’s up, Lukey?”_

_“I think I’m in love with you.” Calum isn’t sure how to feel about it, so he does what he’s done every other time Luke broke some sort of news to him. Calum pulls Luke close and he cuddles against Calum’s chest. Calum promises himself he will never let anything happen to Luke , because Luke’s his best friend, and that’s what best friends do._

 

Calum speeds up again. He’s probably going to get pulled over. He really can’t be bothered.

He’s been through hell these past few hours and he’s convinced there’s nothing worse than what’s he’s already feeling.

 

He’s thinking about this weekend and what it should have been.

He’s thinking about how much he loves his Luke.

He’s thinking that he’s never going to be a whole person again.

 

He's not entirely sure how he ends up there. Calum has somehow driven his car up to High Point, where he and Luke had their first date. Calum remembers it so clearly, so vividly, he can feel the wind on his face and smell the crisp autumn air all over again.

_"C'mon, Cal!" Luke laughs. He runs even farther ahead of Calum than before, and Cal doesn't even bother running after Luke. He knows Luke will double back soon enough and ask for a  piggy back ride. Calum smiles. He's loved him for so long now, and he finally knows he feels the same way. He knows it's a bit clichéd, honestly, but it's true. Best friends falling in love. He's known Luke since they were ten and has been in love with him since he was twelve and knew what that feeling he got in the pit of his stomach whenever he was around him meant._

_“You are ridiculous!” Calum yells after Luke. He giggles again._

_“I know you are, but what am I?” Luke deadpans. Calum rolls his eyes. He could say anything, honestly anything, and he wouldn’t love him any less._

 

Calum has changed positions, now. He’s got his head on the steering wheel, face down, soaking his lap with tears. He doesn’t want to believe it. He wants to tell himself Luke will be waiting on the couch when he gets home. But he knows that’s not the case. Calum knows Luke’s gone forever. He knows he’ll never hold Luke in his arms again. And that hurts him more than anything else.

 

_“I wish you didn’t have to go,” Luke mumbles into Calum’s chest. They lay there for a bit, Luke lying on his chest, listening to Calum’s heartbeat. He sighs._

_“I know. But this is your dream, remember? It’s all gonna be worth it. Don’t let me hold you back, alright? I love you. We’re gonna be just fine.”_

Calum’s thinking too much. He needs to forget all these things, all these memories and all the little things and every little detail and he’s going to explode if he feels anymore. He’s not finefinefinefinefine. He’s not okay. He thinks he’s lost the ability to feel anything but burning rage and sadness.

_“I’m scared you’ll forget me,” Luke sighs. Calum crinkles his eyebrows._

_“I could never forget you,” he says, combing his fingers through Luke’s hair, disturbing the quiff. “You’re unforgettable.”_

 

Calum doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting there. Calum thinks that if he stays away from everything for long enough he’ll be able to forget _._

_Calum is driving home from the grocery store. He's picking up things for dinner. He’s making Luke’s favorite homemade pepperoni pizza. He loves his pepperoni pizza. Calum’s phone rings, and he smiles, seeing that it’s Luke._

_“Hello?” he says with a big smile on his face. He’s been missing his baby; it’s been too long since they’ve seen each other. Okay, maybe it was only two days, and they texted constantly, but it was still too long.  Calum is greeted with a choked sob, not the friendly “Hey Cal!” he was hoping for. He’s even more concerned now, because he’s heard Luke cry before, and that is not they way Luke sounds when he’s upset. Another sob is passed into his ear._

_“Cal?” the voice calls._

_“Jack?” Finn asks. Jack is Luke’s older brother, and Cal never pegged him as the type to cry over anything._

_“Hi, Cal. Listen, I’ve got some bad news.” Calum starts in his seat. Why is Jack calling with bad news from Luke’s phone?_

_Calum hears Jack take a deep breath before he continues. “Luke was walking home from Michael’s house about an hour ago.” Okay, a hour would’ve been about eleven. Luke loved playing video games with Mikey; no matter how old they got, it never failed to make Luke happier than almost anything._

_Calum takes a breath. “And?”_

_Jack sounds like he’s going to pass out any minute. “Luke got hit by a drunk driver. He was killed on impact.”_

Calum hangs up after that. _‘nonononononononono’_

 

 

Calum doesn’t know what he’s going to do. He doesn’t want to know what going to happen after this. He doesn't know how he’s going to move on without his Luke. He doesn’t even want to.

 

It’s been exactly a week since they buried him. Piles of dirty clothes clutter Calum’s bedroom floor. During family meals, plates of food go untouched. It’s only a week later and he can count all of his ribs. He’s not okay, but he’s finally accepted the fact that Luke’s gone. He doesn’t like it. At all. And he knows that it’s just something that’s going to hover over him for his entire life.

 

He’s never going to be able to forget that phone call from Jack. He’s never going to forget how Luke’s body, the empty shell of what was once the most important person in his life, looked laying the that casket. And he’s never, ever going to forget how heavy that ring box in his pocket felt, sitting in his car on the way home from the grocery store. Mostly, though, he knows things will never be the same. And if anyone thinks that they will, well, all they have to do is take one glance at him to know that they couldn’t be more wrong.

_Where are you, and I’m so sorry_

_I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight_

_I need somebody and always_

_This sick, strange darkness_

_Comes creeping on so haunting every time_

_And as I stared, I counted_

_The webs from all the spiders_

_Catching things and eating their insides_

_Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?_

_Stop this pain tonight._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm very sorry. Shoot me if you'd like.


End file.
